Purpose

Have you ever lost your purpose? "What kind of question is that", you ask. Well, have you ever woke up some morning and wondered what you were doing with your life or where you were suppose to be going with it? I have. I mean, I have been there. This is a very scary and insecure feeling. It's like I could not seem to grasp anything real meaningful. I lost perspective. The perspective of passion and zealous conviction. Even if I would go and serve in a meaningful role helping a hurting person or counseling, still I found no pleasure in it. My purpose had been stolen by the pain of betrayal, deception and persecution.

Think back in your life. When have you felt the greatest sense of purpose? There were two times in my adult life when I felt a real burden of purpose. When I gave my life to Jesus at 25, I felt I must share with anyone who would listen of the freedom I had received in Christ. When I was 33, The Lord called me into service to those who have lived the same traumatic experiences I have lived. Everyday I would wake with an excitement in the pit of my gut because I knew that in that day God was going to do something great in my life. He did. Whether it was in prayer time, a phone call, a client in office or a community connection Jesus, was very material in my life. The original sense of purpose in my Christian faith has not wained. Oh, I have gotten distracted at times by jobs and kids and husband. Ok, and money a time or two but never has the flame of love and desire to preach the gospel ever burned out in my heart. The purpose to help trauma victims did however. Sad. I mean, it is sad how when the Lord calls us to something great there will always be an attack launched against us in order to stop us from bringing the message of freedom to others.

When the attack starts we are in that "googoo eyed" state with Jesus. He called me so I can take whatever the enemy dishes out, right? Have you ever been in an attack that went on for a long, long time? You finnally start to realize that you are getting wore down and tired and you need a break in the battle or to win the battle or you are going to just quit. Well that was me. It was literally a reliving of the story of Nehemiah when he was trying to get the people of Israel to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem. They had resistance from within and resistance from without and the people were complaining and quarreling and were afraid. Nehemiah finnally told the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.' Those who built on the wall, and those who carried burdens, loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon."(Nehemiah 4:14-17) With one hand so-to-speak I worked with my clients, my community and my colleagues. With the other hand so-to-speak I had to try to defend my reputation, my character and my actions from accusation and attack. The work was fulfilling and I could see every day God's work through me in the lives of many hurting children, women and men. The infrastructure in which I had to accomplish this work was steeped in cynicism, selfish agendas, beaurocracy and one barrier after another. I went in expecting that the system would work with someone who really wanted to make a change in people's lives. I believed that everyone who did that kind of work did it out of love and empathy for another fellow sufferer. Not so. I found that people were in my profession for a whole host of reasons and few of which were love, empathy or a desire to help people really find a way to change and heal. Because of this I became disillusioned with the work, the call I received to help those who are wounded. I became disillusioned with a system that I believed in and with groups of people I thought purposed to empower others but in reality were fueled by anger and competition. It is because of this I lost my purpose. I felt that if those who could support me and propel me forward would not then it would be impossible to accomplish my purpose. It was to them business as usual.

In the end I was undone by the anger and competetive spirit. I left with very little. Mostly, what I could carry in my memory and what I had learned from my clients, their cases and educational experiences. I was emotionally battered and torn, but I had been changed as a person. I came there to usher in change for others and they changed me. I now knew what real pain and suffering really were. I now really loved them. Their brokenness did not allow me to keep my self-satisfied image, my neat little portrayal of myself. Their brokenness demanded humanity, understanding, empathy, and for me to be a real person not just a smiling, nodding head. I wanted to lay down my life-my time, my heart, my energy, my resources in order to serve them and comfort them. Now I knew that in order to make a difference in the lives of the broken I must do it God's way not the world's way.

My purpose was to serve those wounded by trauma and help them but they helped me. They helped me to see what God saw not this nice, neet little package that some office professional could serve me. Now my purpose has changed. I thought I would serve those emotionally, physically and spiritually ravaged by abuse and neglect. I thought that if I found some program to work through that I could help people but now I know that healing and recovery come through the redemptive power of Jesus Christ.

What I will do is show the love of God to each and every person who the Lord sends me. I will meet them in their humanity so that they are not alone in their suffering so that they know that God has not forgotten them or rejected them and that there is hope.

"Yet in spite of this I did not demand the governor’s provisions, because the bondage was heavy on this people. Remember me, my God, for good, according to all that I have done for this people."(Nehemiah 5:18-19.)

http://www.truthliveshere.net/

Love One Another

Love. What is it? Is it a feeling, an act, a perception, an image? In our country (US), "love" as defined by Hollywood is in most images we see that depict our current culture. In doing an image search under the word "love" I found images of hearts and lots of hearts. I found animals mating, women who were naked and in sexualized poses and men and women being intimate. Searching magazine images for "love" was much worse. Image after image of women who appeared to be in the process of masterbation or sexual arrousal. Hollywood love produces images of happy, smiling couples. Which is it? Hearts, mating animals, a masterbating woman or a smiling couple with seemingly no worries? It is none of these!

The word "love" has been used in our pop music to describe a fantasy world where people all just live in harmony with one another. "Love" in music has also been described as: puppy love, a vice/compulsive, keeps us togethor, your smile, thoughts of another, endless, partner's body, will go on & on, a faithful promise, makes a person crazy, a heart breaker, a confession of it, a fantasy, lifting higher, etc. In some rap songs "love" was described as taking a peice of a girl, being lost like a homework excuse, chilling with no makeup on, ecstacy's explosion and making a brother feel like something. A web search for love songs will not bring up songs of faith, responcibility and commitment. It will however bring up every steemy song that has ever been written by an empty, lust struck romantic. Don't get me wrong, sex is a wonderful gift but is sex love? Is our sexualized culture really teaching love? Romance can fill the heart with joy,excitement and anticipation but, is that love?

Young people get married every day in the name of it and then soon we find out they are divorcing. Was that love? What is "love" anyway?

I am brought to this subject because so often I hear people talk about loving someone or showing love to someone and I wonder if they really know what that means. In my own life "love" was first defined in the ways I stated above. I had an idealistic view of what I wanted love to be. I wanted it to meet all my emotional, psychological and sexual needs. Also, I thought love was meant to always feel good and never tell me I am wrong or I need to change. Love should never make me uncomfortable or stretch me. I thought that I should have been able to take whatever I wanted and there should be no bottum to the metaphorical purse. Through my life some people I have met have at some point in the relationship said "I love you". Then the relationship ended. It was at these points I wondered, "If they love me why can't they find a way to communicate? Why won't they find a way to compromise? Why are they valuing their pride more than our relationship?" In the majority of my experiences with broken relationships these questions did not get answered and sometimes I found that it was me who was not communicating, compromising and valuing. This brought me to the place where I began to question what "love" really is and does anyone really know?

If you have read my blog before you will know that I am a Christian. I have not always been faithful to my beliefs as I am now. I share my insights, failures and my journey in order to let you know that I am in the process of development with you. With this said, I discovered the truth about love in the Bible. I had heard scriptures about love on and off growing up so when I began to wonder if anyone knew what love really is I went looking in scripture. Here is what I found.

"And now I [Paul] will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but I have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 12:31-13:8

"...Love your neighbor as yourself." Leviticus 19:18

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Mathew 22:36-40

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34

So, we are to love God, others, and self. I began using the Corinthians scripture to measure the love of those around me for me. But I began to feel the conviction that this scripture was to measure where my love for those around me was at. I began to ask myself...Is my love patient? Can I wait with my hands on my lap so-to-speak, like a weaned child? Is it kind? Am I envious? Do I want what I see others have or have I found out what God wants of me? Do I boast? Am I a bragger? Does pride hold me back from showing love to those in my life? Am I able to give a hug to that person who has hurt me? Can I say "I am sorry"? Am I rude or snippy? Am I motivated by what I am going to get and not by what I am going to give? Do I get offended quickly and hold onto it? Do I provoke the people in my life to be better people or am I willing to allow those I love to get caught in vices, habits, bad choices and foolishness? Do I control myself so that I protect those my actions or words could hurt? Do I put people in my life on trial, making them prove everything too me? When I fail do I get back up and keep moving forward or do I lay down and decide to stay miserable and give up? When things get tough at work, at home, with my kids, my friend or in my marriage do I throw up my hands so-to-speak and stop trying or do I perceive these as challenges and opportunities put in my life to help me to grow and become a better person? Have I already given up on someone or something that I know I should not have?

These questions peirced my heart. They still peirce my heart. We are all guilty of not being loving. Love is not just a feeling. I admit that there are different kinds of love such as romantic love, friendship love, and agape love. All these kinds of love do have feelings attached and God meant it that way. He wants us to experience pleasure in every relationship but God also pushes us beyond the feelings to certain actions that will maintain love and fulfill both persons in the relationship. Let me go one step further and say that we can be in "relationship" with those we may come into contact with only once. This may be off-putting to some but is very true. I am not saying that it is the same as any of the relationships I have listed above. Nor am I saying that this "relationship" will share the same characteristics as a romance, a friendship or intimacy with God. It is a relationship born out of the bond of like humanity and shared by the knowledge of God's love for each and every one of His creation and His desire to redeem each and every one of his creation. Through these ideals we are called to "love" each person God brings into our path. How can I show a kindness? I can be patient in line just a little longer so that I do not provoke fear in the clerk. When I don't get what I ordered at the drive through I calmly return it and thank them for exchanging it. When someone in line begins to talk to me I listen and don't turn away or I can offer to pray with them. Each and every person is seeking the evidence that God is in this world. One act of love may be all they need to believe.

What if I have an addict in my family? What if secrecy is the norm? Is it love to allow this person to remain in bondage to drugs, alcohol, shopping,perfectionism, food, gambling, pornography just to keep peace? Let's look to 1 Corinthians definition of love for the answer. It says that "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." In this situation love looks very different than the feel good love of showing a kindness. This love is the tough love that "rejoices with the truth". Often we believe that if our action gives us a "bad" feeling it is the wrong action but in these cases that is incorrect. It is a loving act to speak the truth to someone caught in sin. You may suffer as you watch your loved one suffer. They may lash out at you because of being exposed but what you are doing is right. The Bible says, "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."(Ephesians 4:15) This act of love requires a commitment. A commitment to loving God and His will for you, to yourself being able to receive God's love for you and to your family member in showing God's love to them by realizing their unblemished value before God and working that out in whichever capacity you are called to so that in everything God will be glorified.

What is love and how do we know when we are or are not giving love? It is the totality of our feelings, actions and our commitments that fulfill the 1 Corinthians definition of love. This is a tool, a mighty and powerful tool given to us for discerning truth and direction. Where does the power to love come from? 1John 4:19 states, "We love because He first loved us." Remember, Love One Another.

*Note: This is the recipe for perfect love. We are not perfect and will be on a journey of development until Jesus returns to bring us home. Depend upon Him to enable you to learn how to love and receive His forgiveness when you fall short.

http://www.truthliveshere.net/

Let's Have A Revival!

"Let's have a revival! From the pulpit to the pew!" These are some words to an old charismatic Christian song that I heard many years ago. Recently, my husband and I went on a trip to Florida in order to follow the Lord's leading for service. We returned home somewhat spiritually stunned.

Long ago we had committed our life to Jesus for service in whichever way that He saw fit. I think many Christians go through this ritual especially in the first season of becoming a Christian. New Christians are all zealous and excited about the Lord. Then after awhile life sets in and things tend to get busy, right? Everybody is saying that around me right now. "I'm so busy. I'm sorry I didn't call you. I'm so Busy. I'm sorry I can't go to that function. I'm so busy." Right. I was saying those words before we left for Florida. When I said them I had the faintest sense that my busieness was somehow self-inflicted. Was it busieness or confusion? Well anyway, the point is my family and I had become busy. Then God impressed upon both my husband and I that we were to go to Florida, in faith to see what He had for us there. Our zeal is definately not what it used to be. In the early days we would have bought plane tickets and left without a care in the world. Without a care...hm...what's that? It seemed we found our faith lacking when it actually came down to moving out in faith to actually serve the Lord. We were tempted with all kinds of fears. Money, money, money, you know of which the biggest was money. Our financial plan for going fell through and so then I had an excuse to say "God must not be blessing this trip". Oh, I feared what would happen to my children, their school schedule, their eating habits, their personal care. I know, neurotic right? Well, I'm very good at avoidance. I feared leaving our home, our neighborhood, our church, our friends. There were so many excuses and temptations to stay that it became overwhelming. Then the temptation came, "Your children will forget you. Their bond with you will be broken and never to be repaired!" That one struck the heart of my passion. But there was also this whisper way back in my soul that said, "Don't worry. I will take care of you and I will sustain them... I'm in charge...Don't give in to temptation...Do those words comfort you or make you afraid? Fear-That's not Me!...I will provide...My hand is open...I will hold-up the bond between you..." I literally fought through this wild jungle of emotions and fears and made it to the day to leave. There was a confidence that existed along side all of that fear. I clung to that and used it to propel myself forward in obedience to what I knew God wanted us to do. God provided a family to come and stay with our children at our home for a whole week. We said our good-byes and left. My stomach turned in knots as we pulled away.

I had strange ideas of the world I had not seen. We drove straight south through the country and I was surprised the entire way. I thought that other people lived very different to us and in some ways they do but in many ways we are very much the same. As we went through city and town after city and town I realized that where we live is very sheltered and very rich. I saw so much poverty. I saw such a wide distinction between the city life and the country life which in my view compromises most of our country. I always thought I was behind in education, trend and lifestyle. I recognized that I had been judging myself much too harshly. What we see on TV is very much a created reality. I knew this but now I truly know this. So fear followed us the entire way. It seemed it endeavored to be our companion for the trip. So silly as I look back but, we were moving forward into uncharted territory for us. We had no clue what we would experience next and we had to trust that God would meet all our needs no matter what happened.

We made it to Orlando. Then we decided to go further, Cocoa Beach! We had never seen the ocean. We drove out to Cape Canaveral to the beach. My stomach tightened as we approached the stairs to access the beach. I had waited a lifetime to see this. Up we stepped and there it was. We stopped. We inhaled and held it. Heaven and earth came togethor. It was amazing. The roar of the tide. The spray of the sand. The crunch of the broken shells under our feet. Little birds being chased in by the tide and then chasing the tide out. It was truly amazing. I said to myself, "how can anyone deny there is a creator after seeing this?" We spent half the day there picking shells, walking, swimming, laughing and taking pictures. It was life changing.

Back to Orlando we went to make it to our conference. We spent the next few days with a group of people who also had been called by God to open a treatment facility and others who had been called into various ministeries to help hurting people. These people loved us like family, better than family. The prayed for us, over us and with us. The prophesied to us. We ate with them and listened to their stories of how God has sustained the House of Hope. We listened to testimonies from kids who were admitted to the House of Hope. They told us one after another how the love of Jesus is changing their lives. It felt like they were peeling away the hardness of the world each and every hour we were there. There was an annointing ceremony the day we left. Sara Trollinger, the founder, annointed us with oil and prayed for us. She prayed for any need we had. It was an amazing time. We received a prophetic message in reguards to our ministery and personal lives and then we left. We left with full bellies. Full of spiritual food.

We drove straight through to get home but it seemed short after all we'd received. My husband and I have been so burdened now that we are home. We came back to our life and it seemed our eyes were seeing things and our hearts were experiencing things that were not so evident before or that we easily ignored before. The question remains, Where is God in all this? Where is the Holy Spirit in all of our busieness? I feel such a hunger to be alone with the Lord now. I feel drawn away from the chaos of structure and schedules and tasks. All this control...why do we have so much control over the structure of our lives? I know we need structure to be obedient and meet goals but when structure and ritual organize and order God right out we need to cast off the bondage of structure and ritual and re-evaluate its right place. We need time, quiet time to just sit quietly, alone and listen. I have found that I am not as busy as I want to think. Really when I say I'm busy I am saying, I did not want to make time for that. I wanted to do this instead. Now when people say to me they were so busy that relationship, fellowship, worship, was put on the back burner I know that chaos has entered the picture. Avoidance has begun to be the tactic of dealing with God and others and plummeting downward, spiraling inward, losing love and desire is now the state of the heart. Oh, I was there and I am fighting to not go back. This busieness business is a destraction from the enemy to keep us from receiving all that Jesus has for us. The enormous amount of structure, and ritual is a way to keep our lives within the constraints of our understanding by keeping the Holy Spirit out!

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Liberty." 2Corinthians 3:17 I was asleep and now I am awake. Oh yes, we need a revival. The Church needs a revival. Our nation needs a revival! We need to embrace all of who God is not just parts of Him. We need to get off the beach and step out into the tide of faith combined with works so that we can see God move in our churches, our communities, and in our homes but most importantly in our hearts. Fear will have us if we allow him. "...perfect love casts out fear..." 1John 4:18

"Let's have a revival! From the pulpit to the Pew. Let's have a revival. It starts with me and you. Then it reaches out to the lost and hungry world and brings them in. This our joy, it's our survival. Let's pray for a Holy Ghost arrival, let's have a revival!"

http://www.truthliveshere.net/

I'm Going Up The Mountain!

Have you ever been too out to be in and too in to be out? I have. I am. What a peculiar place to be. There is a story in the Old Testament of the Bible in which God calls Abraham to take his only son and go on a journey to this mountain to sacrifice the boy to God. Now, why would God ask such a thing? He could have had anything. He's God. It's like, get your own boy to sacrifice God! This boy is special. He is Abraham's only son and for that matter why kill the boy that You just gave to these nice people? Isn't this boy supposed to be a blessing? Isn't this boy supposed to become a great nation? But, you see in order for God to give Abraham the blessing and inheritance that He had promised, God had to know where His place was in Abraham's heart. This was a test and so Abraham took the boy and some servants and went towards the mountain. When they came a way off from the place Abraham told the servants to "stay with the asses". He told them He and the boy were going to the mountain to worship. He gathered his stuff for the fire and the sacrifice. He took the boy and went. Isaac wondered where they would get a lamb for the offering? Abraham told him that God would provide the lamb for the burnt offering. At the mountain, Abraham built the altar and laid his son on it. He raised his knife to kill his son and God called to him and told him to stop! God said that now He knew that Abraham feared Him. God knew He was first in Abraham's heart. "Abraham looked and there was a ram tied up in the thicket." He called that place The-Lord-Will-Provide.

It's a funny thing to be too in to be out and too out to be in. It lacks commitment. It lacks a step of faith. What's your Issac? What's the thing in your life that you possess that means more too you than anyone or anything? There have been times in my life that people's admiration of me was my greatest possession. I would have almost done anything to have it. I did not lay it on the altar until after I allowed it to own me and by then I had laid God on the altar instead, choosing what felt right at the time. It corrupted my soul, the lust for admiration. When I received no pay off from my investment I was devastated but, I knew. I knew whom I had sacrificed in order to have momentary love. Maybe for you it's alcohol or drugs. The constant pursuit, the lifestyle of sneaking and hiding and lying, the numbing down, the giving up. Maybe its sex. Do you sacrifice your marriage for some secret time on the computer after everyone has gone to bed? Do you hide the receipts from your spouse because you went and purchased pornographic materials or spent time in a sex shop? There are many "Isaacs" out there in the world. The thing our heart tells us that we need in order to be OK. In order to have peace of mind.

I'm sure as Abraham walked with his boy and the servants away from camp he had to have looked back, too out to be in. Then he looked towards the mountain of his destination, too in to be out. He had a decision to make. Did God really say He would bless him? Did he trust God? Would God really provide a lamb? Abraham had waited so long for his and Sara's needs to be met and now here was the answer to their prayers walking right beside him. What would he do if God didn't provide? But he knew God would provide. God had proved Himself faithful to Abraham. Today, we all have a decision to make. God is asking us, Am I First in your life? Will you trust that I will provide if you lay this thing on the altar and give it away?

Today, I'm not staying with the Asses. I'm going up the mountain! God will provide!

""Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the Church..." Ephesians 3:20,21

He is the great physician!

In my work I see all kinds of broken people. I also know the location of many unchecked and unchallenged predators in my community. It is very hard to have this kind of information. I see the community and people in it very different than others because of this. I am cynical about people, men, in general because I see so much anger, abuse and the scramble to aquire power. I know not all men are predators and this knowledge allows me to go out my door every day and face this world but I also know there are many among us who should not be trusted who are lying in wait for opportunity. This morning on my way to work I was thinking on this and just taking it all in and trying to understand. My mind thought, "how can God love us [people] knowing all our secrets and our corruption?" We are exposed to Him and yet He still loves us!? All of us who think we are really good and really cleaned up and really, we're not. He sees us too. So from the best of the sinners to the worst of the sinners God is not fooled. He is aware of the totality of our corruption and yet He remains faithful. What is with that? How could anyone love a person with a compulsive addiction to pornography or a person who is drunk night and day and hurts their family or how about the office person who complains about everything and gossips about whoever is not in the room. Yuck! I've been in this category of sinner. Ouch, my pride wants to defend myself and say "well, I'm all better now. It's those other people who need to hear this! I'm doing this for them." Riigghht! No, I'm writing this for me to me and anyone who is struggling to understand. Then, I thought, maybe... God sees us how I see my broken clients?! When someone is telling me their story I feel compassion, empathy and concern. I want for them to experience a full life. I want them to run free of fear and anger and shame and know the love of God for themselves and for their fellow humans. I want them to experience the building process where God becomes sweet in their suffering and they realize the awesomeness of Grace and redemption. The falling, the rising, the falling and rising again. On and on until one day they awake to...You love me! You really love me! No matter what. And I love you, God no matter what! I see now you were there all along. I see how you fashioned me and guided my steps and protected my life. And then... a romance between us and our maker. Guys, that might feel kind of yucky. Sorry about that. For you, a strong and assuring adult love between a father and his beloved son. So then, I realized if I can shepard those I care for how much more would God shepard and love us knowing our corruption? He must be able to see sin in such a way as to see us seperate from it or in spite of it. Maybe to Him sin is a disease of the soul and He is the Great Physician! Jesus sent to this world to bring the message that the Dr. is in and He is excited to see you today!

Is it them or us?

Do you have someone in your life who just seems to muck things up for you? Do you have someone in your life who you think "if they would just...my life would run smooth." Well join the club. Everyone seems to have someone like this in their life. Sometimes it is a spouse, a partner, a child, a friend, a co-worker, a somebody who just can't seem to get their stuff togethor.

Well for me it is someone very close to me. But then I think, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I am falling short of giving them my love and acceptance." And, well, I am. I get ticked off when this person puts a hitch in my day or isn't very helpful or allows their personal problems to go undelt with. You know, I think the real problem is I am not having BOUNDARIES. Yep, that's it. Why does it bother me so much when this person is failing? Why do I want them to succeed more than they want to succeed? Because I am not putting a limit to where I end and they begin. I have to accept a person, faults and all. Then, I have to put limits on myself and on my relationships in order that I know how far I will let myself go in caring for people.

Do any of you have a recovering spouse? How about a spouse who is an addict or has addictive behaviors and is not in recovery? Better yet, how about a spouse that has a mental health disorder (diagnosed/undiagnosed) and is in denial of how they live with that disorder and how it affects them and you? These are tough cases. Boundaries become very blurred due to need. How much should you take? How long should you stay? Where do you draw the line? Questions that have to be answered. Tough though, very tough. Reality, painful as it may be has to be acknowledged and dealt with. Undealt with issues are like cancer. They start in one area and soon grow to overcome the entire body or the mind, life and personality in this case.

The following are some questions to ask yourself to test whether you are in a relationship without boundaries:

1. Are you or your partner unclear about your preferences?
2. Do you or your partner have trouble recognizing unhappieness since enduring is your concern?
3. Do either of you alter your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another?
4. Do you do more and more for less and less?
5. Are you easily influenced byb the most recent truth that you hear?
6. Do you live hopefully while wishing and waiting?
7. Are you satisfied with coping and surviving?
8. Are you satisfied with your partner's minimal improvement and let it continue a stalemate?
9. Do you lack hobbies because you don't have attention for self-directed activity?
10. Do you accept alibis and excuses in order to make exceptions for someone?
11. Are you manipulated by flattery and lose objectivity?
12. Have you or are you trying to create intimacy with a narcissist?
13. Are you affected so much by someone's opinion that you obsess?
14. Do you forsake personal limits in order to get sex or a promise of sex?
15. Is your partner responcible for your excitement?
16. Do you feel hurt and victimized but not angry?
17. Do you act out of compliance and compromise?
18. Do you have a problem saying no?
19. Do you disreguard your intuition in favor of wishes?
20. Do you allow your partner to abuse your children or friends?
21. Do you mostly feel afraid and confused?
22. Are you enmeshed in a drama that is beyond your control?
23. Are you living a life that is not yours, and that seems unalterable?
24. Do you have a bottum line? In other words, do you commit yourself for as long as someone needs you to be committed?
25. Do you believe that you have no right to secrets?

These were written by David Richo in an article in 1990, but still very relevent today. These are boundary violations that are very common in all kinds of relationships. If you read this and found yourself in this list you may be very surprised, shocked, maybe even angry. If you read this and you did not find yourself in this list, Congratulations, you have arrived! Honestly I don't think anyone has arrived and all of us can grow in practicing boundaries, including me. So maybe you are wondering, "what do I do with this knowledge?" Here are five things you can do to practice boundaries:

1. Ask for your needs to be met. You are responcible for you and your partner is responcible for themselves. Let them ask for their needs to be met, don't for-think for them!
2. Foster inner self-nurturance. Being a good parent within yourself. This gives you an intuitive sense about your needs and decision you want and need to make.
3. Observe others behavior toward you and take it as information. Don't get caught in their drama. Be a fair witness who sees from a self protected place. Decide what you will accept and what you will throw out.
4. Maintain a bottum line. Our illusions about reality diminish actual reality or the reality we could have if we let go of the illusion or fantasy. Set limits, confront issues, admit reality.
5. Stop trusting in others to protect you and start relying on yourself to protect you and get your needs met. Trust yourself to be able to handle adult emotions, needs and choices.

Thanks David Richo for the input. Check out the book BOUNDARIES by Henry Cloud. It's great! Then go out and live!

Shannon

It is my purpose!

Hello! If you are reading this for the first time then, well, you are like me because I am writing for the first time.

Purpose...have you ever wondered what your purpose in this world is? I have and I do. I have discovered that like the seasons winter, spring, summer and fall there are seasons in life. There is a purpose in each of the seasons we live. A week or so ago I came outside in the morning and took a deep breath of crisp autumn air and I knew that the season had changed. With that realization I am seeing that the season I have been in in my life has changed. I am just now beginning to accept that truth and take action. Adjustment is hard for me, I know.

So, what is the change? Well, I work with victims of sexual violence. Everyday I hear tragic stories of lives torn apart by a person/s who chose to use their sexuality as a weapon to kill another person's hope and innocence. As a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual assault I feel such a heavy burden for those who are under my care. That word survivor...I don't use that loosely. I truly am surviving and thriving now, but only because God, actually Jesus, found me. If you are non-religous, don't run! Hear me out. I was truly in a pit,(metaphorically speaking) in my life. Everything was screwed up! I was screwed up and so blind I couldn't understand what had happened?! Did I do this to my life or did someone else do this? Honestly all I knew at the time was pain, overwhelming, catastrophic pain that was so intense there were moments I found myself on the floor of my home screaming and crying for help. I was all alone. There was nothing. No one to blame. Blame could no longer fix it. Fault wasn't the problem. Pain was the problem. Pain that had never been reconciled, answered, accepted, forgave. Anger was the problem. Anger that had never been acknowledged, never spoken of, never validated. It took time, a period of time in fact to stop shouting at the walls and weeping uncontrollably and then, silence. Silence set in to my soul. I sat and sat and sat some more and then, He spoke. Jesus spoke, "Rest", He said. I did not know what that meant. Aren't you going to get dramatic with me? Aren't you going to scream and yell? Aren't you going to criticise me? Where's my punishment? Where's their punishment? Silence. More silence. Days of silence. Then, "Rest", He said. After this back and forth I finally conceded to God and said what is rest? I did not even know what that word meant. I had a lifetime of fixing, scurrying, fearing, yelling, hiding, performing, planning, blaming, ect. Always doing something but never just resting. I began to study. My Bible, other books, speakers, dictionaries, encyclopedias. You name it and I tried to read it. I wanted to do something, not just rest. I attended a speaker at a local church one night and the topic was "grace". All I knew was judgement. I had grown up in a very strict religous environment full of criticism and law and only knowing a god who was impatient, selfish, weak, full of vengeance and intolerant. This message of grace seemed to good to be true. That evening as I sat and listened I felt as though I had been cheated out of a truth that sat right in front of my face for years. God loved me? I was not expected to be perfect? What? How could this be? Why would all the churches I attended keep this message from me? Why would my parents who claimed to love God keep this message from me? Is this really true God? I left that night with a conflict in my heart and mind. I had exhilaration over this new found information and confusion about why I had never experienced this "grace" after living a lifetime in a "Christian" home. The next couple of weeks I pondered on grace. One morning I was working out at the YMCA. I heard a voice say to me "You have been walking on this treadmill for years and you have never gotten anywhere." I looked around. No one was talking or looking like they did talk. I turned back and hesitantly continued walking. Again I heard a voice, "Go home and write this down. I am going to give you a revelation of "grace"." An immediacy sprang up within me like the building was on fire. I stepped down and ran from the building. Into my car and back home I went. As I was entering the front door my mind began to see images and my minds ear began to hear truths about heaven and Jesus and the love that's been invested in account for me just waiting to be withdrawn. I saw Him, Jesus, hanging there, on that cross. I stood beneath it and He looked down and said "Those expectations that were put on you you could never fulfill. You could have never fulfilled them." I knew it. He was right. I had been carrying this burden like an old ox at the plow never finishing my work. Always wipped, always bruised because the field was too much for me. "Only I could live up to that standard, the standard of perfection. I am perfect for you. This sacrifice I do for you. You don't have to try and be perfect anymore. Be free. I love you!" He reached down and took the yoke from my shoulders and lifted it away. I felt so free I felt as if I would fly. I danced and I sang and I worshiped Him for hours. I was caught up in His love and His presence. That day changed me forever. He has taught me that He is faithful. His love never changes like shifting shadows. It never changes with the economy or with fads or by a person's rejection. His love is not contingent upon my weight, my face, my accomplishments, my clothes, my hair, my sexuality, my chaos or my peace. He is constant in an allways changing world. When the world is mean I can run and hide with my Father. He will give me rest. He always gives me rest. There is hope for recovery from sexual abuse and violence but it remains in Jesus. That is the truth. That is my change. He is the originator of our soul. He knew us before we were broken and He can restore us to ourselves and our purpose. Praise God for His love!

In hope, Shannon.