It is my purpose!

Hello! If you are reading this for the first time then, well, you are like me because I am writing for the first time.

Purpose...have you ever wondered what your purpose in this world is? I have and I do. I have discovered that like the seasons winter, spring, summer and fall there are seasons in life. There is a purpose in each of the seasons we live. A week or so ago I came outside in the morning and took a deep breath of crisp autumn air and I knew that the season had changed. With that realization I am seeing that the season I have been in in my life has changed. I am just now beginning to accept that truth and take action. Adjustment is hard for me, I know.

So, what is the change? Well, I work with victims of sexual violence. Everyday I hear tragic stories of lives torn apart by a person/s who chose to use their sexuality as a weapon to kill another person's hope and innocence. As a survivor myself of childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual assault I feel such a heavy burden for those who are under my care. That word survivor...I don't use that loosely. I truly am surviving and thriving now, but only because God, actually Jesus, found me. If you are non-religous, don't run! Hear me out. I was truly in a pit,(metaphorically speaking) in my life. Everything was screwed up! I was screwed up and so blind I couldn't understand what had happened?! Did I do this to my life or did someone else do this? Honestly all I knew at the time was pain, overwhelming, catastrophic pain that was so intense there were moments I found myself on the floor of my home screaming and crying for help. I was all alone. There was nothing. No one to blame. Blame could no longer fix it. Fault wasn't the problem. Pain was the problem. Pain that had never been reconciled, answered, accepted, forgave. Anger was the problem. Anger that had never been acknowledged, never spoken of, never validated. It took time, a period of time in fact to stop shouting at the walls and weeping uncontrollably and then, silence. Silence set in to my soul. I sat and sat and sat some more and then, He spoke. Jesus spoke, "Rest", He said. I did not know what that meant. Aren't you going to get dramatic with me? Aren't you going to scream and yell? Aren't you going to criticise me? Where's my punishment? Where's their punishment? Silence. More silence. Days of silence. Then, "Rest", He said. After this back and forth I finally conceded to God and said what is rest? I did not even know what that word meant. I had a lifetime of fixing, scurrying, fearing, yelling, hiding, performing, planning, blaming, ect. Always doing something but never just resting. I began to study. My Bible, other books, speakers, dictionaries, encyclopedias. You name it and I tried to read it. I wanted to do something, not just rest. I attended a speaker at a local church one night and the topic was "grace". All I knew was judgement. I had grown up in a very strict religous environment full of criticism and law and only knowing a god who was impatient, selfish, weak, full of vengeance and intolerant. This message of grace seemed to good to be true. That evening as I sat and listened I felt as though I had been cheated out of a truth that sat right in front of my face for years. God loved me? I was not expected to be perfect? What? How could this be? Why would all the churches I attended keep this message from me? Why would my parents who claimed to love God keep this message from me? Is this really true God? I left that night with a conflict in my heart and mind. I had exhilaration over this new found information and confusion about why I had never experienced this "grace" after living a lifetime in a "Christian" home. The next couple of weeks I pondered on grace. One morning I was working out at the YMCA. I heard a voice say to me "You have been walking on this treadmill for years and you have never gotten anywhere." I looked around. No one was talking or looking like they did talk. I turned back and hesitantly continued walking. Again I heard a voice, "Go home and write this down. I am going to give you a revelation of "grace"." An immediacy sprang up within me like the building was on fire. I stepped down and ran from the building. Into my car and back home I went. As I was entering the front door my mind began to see images and my minds ear began to hear truths about heaven and Jesus and the love that's been invested in account for me just waiting to be withdrawn. I saw Him, Jesus, hanging there, on that cross. I stood beneath it and He looked down and said "Those expectations that were put on you you could never fulfill. You could have never fulfilled them." I knew it. He was right. I had been carrying this burden like an old ox at the plow never finishing my work. Always wipped, always bruised because the field was too much for me. "Only I could live up to that standard, the standard of perfection. I am perfect for you. This sacrifice I do for you. You don't have to try and be perfect anymore. Be free. I love you!" He reached down and took the yoke from my shoulders and lifted it away. I felt so free I felt as if I would fly. I danced and I sang and I worshiped Him for hours. I was caught up in His love and His presence. That day changed me forever. He has taught me that He is faithful. His love never changes like shifting shadows. It never changes with the economy or with fads or by a person's rejection. His love is not contingent upon my weight, my face, my accomplishments, my clothes, my hair, my sexuality, my chaos or my peace. He is constant in an allways changing world. When the world is mean I can run and hide with my Father. He will give me rest. He always gives me rest. There is hope for recovery from sexual abuse and violence but it remains in Jesus. That is the truth. That is my change. He is the originator of our soul. He knew us before we were broken and He can restore us to ourselves and our purpose. Praise God for His love!

In hope, Shannon.