Monday, September 16, 2019

The Slow Fade From Faith

“It's a slow fade. When you give yourself away; it’s a slow fade. When black and white have turned to gray; Thoughts invade, choice is made, a price will be paid.  When you give yourself away.  People never crumble in a day.  It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade” (Casting Crowns, Slow Fade, 2007).  What prophetic words for the Church today.  Allow me to explain.

I have observed and experienced through professional and personal interactions a profound and strangling spiritual weed that has crept its way into the lives of many Christians. That weed is the weed of life lived for self.  Most often this weed creeps slowly through a believer’s life picking up justifications, human reasoning, worldly opinions, and even so-called educated information in order to feed strength to its vine so that it can strangle out the life of faith and the surrender of one's life to God in Christ.  Oh, what a perfect climate we live in for this weed to spread!  A climate of enabling one another to stay in sin, rarely if ever speaking the truth in love to each other, saying 'yes' instead of ‘no’, coddling everyone's feelings rather than loving and challenging them into higher morality and deeper faith, excusing each other’s unwillingness and disobedience as 'process' and 'grace', worshiping each other’s acceptance instead of considering it all loss for the sake of knowing Christ and obeying Him.

We fear upsetting or challenging our church leaders so we sit in the pews wearing our masks while our gifts and call of God that are irrevocable grow stale and then forgotten along with a once burning desire to spread the truth and love of Jesus.  The pastors run the church, right?!  A spiritual leader must have a theology degree, right?!  We trade our God-given passions for ministry for disappointments and resign to a life of spiritual deadness and the grind of money-making, child-rearing, and busyness.  We no longer have time to read our Bibles cutting ourselves off from formational truth!  We allow immaturity to set into our prayer life or we just stop praying altogether.  Attending Church becomes another duty, why even go?  We slowly stop expecting God to show up in our lives.  We begin doubting: Maybe it's ok to not pray and read my Bible every day... Maybe I'm fine... I can do this!... Does God really heal?  Does He really deliver?  Does God even care?  Is He even involved? Then after our hearts develop a hardened crust towards conscience and the Holy Spirit we begin demanding that God stretch out His hand and we begin to pry His fingers open to get all His goodies from inside it. 

Alas, we resign to the belief that He either loves others more, we need to 'do' more and be more, or He is not good.   As our power in Christ through faith and obedience is stripped from us we try and try to make a career, a hobby, a relationship, or an interest fit the hole, the ever-growing empty hole within us but it just never quite plugs it.  Even worse, we secretly wonder why we feel this way but fear to speak to anyone because we might look less spiritual or as a doubting Christian.  When in fact THAT is the question we needed to ask all along!  Why do I feel empty, unsatisfied, even oppressed?  Why am I plagued with doubt and often secretly harboring crippling unbelief?  Why am I held in bondage to fear in so many areas/an area of my life, especially ministry?  Why is my behavior so selfish?  Why is my heart so demanding and self-protective?

Even better, why am I unwilling to admit to the symptoms of worldliness/carnality in me and my life?  I will admit to physical symptoms and maybe even psychologically explained symptoms!  If I never ask questions about my spiritual condition then my spiritual condition lingers on in the shadows of sin, hidden from conscience, constantly growing, amassing new justifications, excuses, lies, and denials about its deepening vacuum of emptiness, resentment, unbelief, and carnality. Cloaked in smiles, social niceties, ambition, churchiness, psychological jargon, and busyness the darkening soul remains hidden even from undiscerning Church folk.  In this condition, I have successfully isolated myself from all the persons who can assist me to break free from sin: myself, God, and my Church family.  Even worse is when some, many, most, all of my Church family is in the same spiritual condition.  Everyone is in a sinking ship together toasting to the greatest time of our lives!  “Prosperity and blessings”, we all testify!  We are completely unaware that the waters are already up to our knees and deepening.  Jesus stated to the Laodicean Church in Revelation 3: 14-19, “These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Originator of God’s creation.15I know your deeds; you are neither cold nor hot. How I wish you were one or the other! 16So because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to vomit you out of My mouth! 17You say, ‘I am rich; I have grown wealthy and need nothing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. 18I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, white garments so that you may be clothed and your shameful nakedness not exposed, and salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. 19Those I love, I rebuke and discipline. Therefore be earnest and repent.”
Enter stage right New Age Religion.

Psalm 34:8 states, "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good..." (NKJV).  People who confess faith in Jesus but do not receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit, do not receive discipleship, do not submit themselves to accountability for their walk (behavior, words, attitudes, beliefs, practices), will not commit to obey the word of God consistently, will not commit to daily prayer, will not practice fasting when called, reject belief and practice of spiritual warfare, become ashamed of the gospel and silence their testimony for fear of man's disapproval and backlash, will not tolerate God’s discipline, reject service to others and forgiveness of all others--these Christians will not taste of the Holy Spirit and of the presence of God in a deep and profound way.  They will not experience the spiritual rewards of obedience and perseverance.  Their faith will become shallow and lifeless.  Above all, it will have no power to change their life, to resist sin, to impact others, or to fulfill any sense of purpose.  This Christian will begin to believe in a small sense, as they first slip from the road of holiness, that their faith cannot help them in some struggle they are in. This Christian then turns to the world for an antidote, for answers, for peace, for happiness, for identity.  When we turn to the world we are really turning away from God and to ourselves and the powerlessness of our flesh and the sin nature of the self.  THIS is THE slippery slope into New Age Religion (NAR) or making self my god.

A person does not have to have direct discipleship in or declare themselves a Buddhist, a Taoist, a Hindu, or any other named new age religion such as Pantheism, reincarnation, personal transformation, ascended master, chakra, Christ conscious, or pagan to be actually believing and practicing NAR.  Americans live IN a “spiritual” mixing bowl every day!  In fact, according to Pew Research Center 61% of all Christians hold at least 1 new age belief (Gecewicz, 2018,  Pew’s polling posed four new age beliefs to respondents to evaluate their values.  There are hundreds, (and I am being conservative) of new age beliefs and practices that have infiltrated Church society, practice, values, and thinking.  Hopefully, you can see that it would be nearly impossible for any Christian to have 0 new age beliefs or practices.  This is the infiltration of lies and deceptions into the minds of believers from the satanic underbelly of the spirit realm.  It is Satan’s absolute agenda to use his false kingdom with all his lying and manipulating demons to strip Christians of their power and authority in Christ through engaging them in false religions.  It is in this way that Satan will remove the watchmen from the wall, the light from the city on the hill, the saltiness from the salt!  We will be rendered powerless!  His false kingdom will advance as it is so blatantly in America and so blatantly in Christ’s bride, the Church.  “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12, NKJV).

 New age religion may be understood as the religion of self.  NAR's faith practice is in the actualization, the realization, the evolution of humanity into its highest and most spiritually ascended form.  Forget that God said that Adam and Eve were "very good" (Gen 1:29)! Forget that after God finished His work He rested because there was no other work to do (Gen 2:3)!  NAR teaches that the self needs to be promoted, developed, needs to ascend spiritually by its own power, needs to realize its full potential, and needs to actualize all of its wants, desires, and ambitions.  NAR takes the final word and command away from God and hands it to each individual to decide what is right or wrong and what a human must do/not do.  NAR excuses and promotes trust and reliance on myself for all solutions.  NAR promises that in practicing these prescriptive rituals, ideologies, values, etc. a person will evolve into a higher self or a higher consciousness.  To make it plain, with NAR I will finally be happy.  In NAR, I will seek to know the deepest me.  Believe me, you and I have a very deep and unknowable recess within us containing bottomless appetites and darkness (Jeremiah 17:9). 

What does the Bible say is the will of God for believers of Jesus? Romans 6 teaches that all true believers in their own will have died to self in order to live a brand new life.  This death happened when we accepted Christ and turned away from a life's pursuit of self as God illustrated in the phrase, “my will be done”.  Dying to self or sin must happen because in this way the enslavement to our lusts dies and the new person is awakened in the Holy Spirits power to a passion to please God and obey Him through a life lived according to His word.  The believer in Christ is not to allow the lusts of self to "reign" (v.12) in their bodies so that consequently that person will give in to those lusts and again become enslaved to sin, self, and my will.  Whatever or whomever we obey is our master (v.16).  This then discounts feelings in the process of identifying what master we serve (v.17-18).  If we serve our flesh it is our master.  If we serve God He then is our master.  If we are doing God's will it results in deeper and greater personal holiness (v.19).  If we are doing the will of ourselves the Bible teaches it will result in death (v.21).  Now, this is most likely not the body dying at that moment but instead a slow spiritual death and a resurrection of all things ME!  This will again, in time, culminate in heart-hardness, emptiness, dissatisfaction, disconnection from the Holy Spirit, and a loss of faith and reliance.   

“Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you” (2 Corinthians 6:17, NKJV).  Can you hear me Church?  I am calling out to you!  Do you feel the conviction of Gods spirit?  Come back to your first love!  No life lived apart from Jesus will ever be enough.  Living for your own will, even if “only a little” will never be acceptable to God.  Resist the worlds shaming of your faith!  Stand up and be counted for Christ!  Hear the words of our Lord to you and me, “Jesus said to [you], “[your name] you love Me more than these [anything/anyone that is your will]?”  [I] said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”  He said to [me], “Feed My lambs.”  16He said to [me] again a second time, “[your name], you love Me?”  [I] said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”  He said to [me], “Tend My sheep.”  17He said to [me] the third time, “[your name], you love Me?” [I] was grieved because He said to [me] the third time, “Do you love Me?”  And [I] said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.”  Jesus said to [me], “Feed My sheep” (John 21:15-17, NKJV).

Church, it’s time to stop striving in our own power, which is tiny against this world; it’s time to decide who we serve. If God is God, serve Him, with your whole heart, mind, soul, and strength.  If you are god, then serve you, heart, mind, soul, and strength.  Let’s stop mixing the two together!  Let’s allow the Holy Spirit to purify us all the way to the core so that our ears hear again, our eyes see again, our hearts are bowed down again to the true master and creator of our souls.  Do you love Him?  Do I love Him?  Jesus says, “Those I love, I rebuke and discipline. Therefore be earnest and repent.  20Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and dine with him, and he with Me. 21To the one who is victorious, I will grant the right to sit with Me on My throne, just as I overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne” (Revelation 3:19-21, Berean). It’s time for honesty.  It’s time to look into the mirror of God and see our true reflection.  It’s time for discernment.  We must all stop telling ourselves that worldliness in any form, in any size is acceptable. There is no such thing as holy yoga.  Meditation in the form of clearing the mind to make way for truth, answers, solutions, understanding, or to know one’s self is not Biblical meditation.  Paper with knowledge recorded on it by a “Christian” and bound in a hard cover is not necessarily the truth or even from God and crystals created by God have no power to heal you or center you.

These are just a taste of new-age ideas.  In the following weeks, I will be posting blogs describing in detail some new age practices and their deceptions.  I will also be posting a blog about the “end times” Church as I believe we are living in the times in which Christ’s return draws near.  Stand firm Christian!  Our bridegroom comes and we must prepare our hearts. 

From New Age to Jesus: Steven Bancarz testimony  

Veritas Counseling Services

Monday, April 8, 2019

God Takes.

     Recently the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me through some song lyrics.  This is not odd for me as this happens everyday, however sometimes He speaks specifically to me about a subject and teaches me something much deeper.  The songs are from a Christian artist named Tauren Wells.  His songs Known and Hills and Valleys have some lyrics that have haunted me in some of my current circumstances. 

"God, you give and take away...Father, you give and take away, Every joy and every pain..."
"And you call me out to pull me in..."

     These are just some of the words, but go ahead and listen to the songs and search up the lyrics and read them for yourself.  The Holy Spirit has been birthing something in me for quite a few months now.  It has felt like its right in front of me but I cannot see it.  I cannot grasp it.  It has been intangible.  I sense its presence and its finality.  This is because my will was invested in MY WILL.  But, these songs have rang in my mind, in my dreams, and in many of my waking hours.  Yesterday, finally it all came togethor with two scriptures from Job 1:21 "...The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord" and from Genesis 22: 1-12, which I will only quote verse 12, " I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son."

     Have you ever had something in your life, a circumstance, person, or thing that was being taken from you? Taken through seemingly earthly circumstances which you have tried and tried to fight but to no avail it just seems, taken? Well I sure have!  Many things. Many people. Many intentions. Many goals. Many, many things that I posessed as gifts, comforts, feel goods, things that allow me to feel "normal" or even above "normal".  

     And I have always had this attitude about loss that if I am losing something, someone is to blame.  Someone did something wrong--namely me!  How impoverished I have become in so many circumstances attempting to resist "losing" stuff, people, and achievments.  What a deception! I have not been losing it.  It is being taken.  And not because I am bad, wrong, or unworthy (necessarily).  It is because it is the divine will of God.  He is not being mean, cruel, angry, harsh, or any other negative judgment of God.  It simply IS.

     Maybe my obsessive desire to latch on to anything I am given thats good came from not having enough when I was young; enough love, money, food, cool clothes, attention, safety, etc. Thats entirely possible.  Maybe my obsessive clinging to blessings is a part of my nature.  That nature that is bound to my flesh and its will that is self-protective and self-exalting.  I think thats also entirely possible.  Maybe, its just the way I think.  Maybe its just the way my mind perceives loss that motivates me to compulsively hang on to my blessings.  That is also entirely possible! My gut tells me it is a combination of the three!

     God gives many blessings, such as: good health, strength, life, love, relationships, marriage, children, success, posessions, pets, family, friends, businesses, jobs, cars, titles, authority, strengths, gifts/talents, vision, opportuniites, etc.  What makes us believe that once we have these blessings that we will not be asked to hand them over?  And maybe even right away after they are handed to us!  God takes, anything He chooses for any reason that He chooses!  I am not saying we should give up without any fight, but if the fight becomes the new norm (insanity) then maybe, we are fighting God Himself!

     Sometimes God takes directly.  Other times God allows Satan and his henchmen to take from us. Even more God allows our sin, choices, and even the sin of others to take from us what He has ordained to be taken.  And when He takes, how do we perceive it and respond?

  • Get angry and stubborn? Even unyielding?
  • Depressed and victimized? Powerless?
  • Focused, solutionizing, controlling, perfect execution?
  • Afraid, walking on spiritual eggshells? Gods a meany?
  • Manipulative, strategizing, making deals, being perfect?

     And all to keep what we have.  When surrendering to God is so much easier, so much less heartache, less wasted time, less fighting, and less frustration.  We will even tell ourselves lies about God and His motivations/intentions so that we can keep believing that we havent already lost what is standing right there staring us in the face!  ACCEPTANCE.  Acceptance, is the key.  Otherwise it will be a lifetime of searching, blaming, and solution attempts.

     Then there is the post acceptance sitting still. Waiting in the acceptance that, "God took."  Now, I wait to hear what He will say is the next response, idea, attitude, and action.

     How good are you at letting God take from you?  Especially the things that you posess that supply your ego with power, importance, comfort, and feel goods.  Are you watching the taking of something or someone in your life?  If God wants you to fight, then fight!  But if God is saying let go then it is time to ACCEPT, God gave and God takes away.  For whatever reason He had.  Blessed be the name of the Lord!  

Friday, February 8, 2019

Step 3, 6, and 7 Prayer

Christian Counseling Coon Rapids, MNGod,
Remove my blindness. Remove my deafness. Open my eyes so I can see my willful behaviors, open my ears so I can hear my willful words, open my mind so I can realize when I am about to or am doing willful actions.  I am willing to be remade to fit your will. Please God, I need a resurrection. I need a revival to who You made me to be.
In your name I pray.

Friday, February 1, 2019

Making "FUN" Your Life Purpose

The purpose of every Christian's life is to please God (Phillipians 2:13, Ephesians 1:5, 2 Thess 1:11, Collosians 1:10, Mathew 25:21, NKJV).  Strangely, realizing that and accepting that is the hardest process of life. Our nature of self is not easily persuaded to allow someone else (let alone an invisible God) to be more valuable than ourselves with every teency tiny thought or inclination that pops into our minds and hearts.  Because we place pleasing ourselves out ahead of everything else humans have a tendency to develop fixations and false beliefs that justify those fixations.
Christian life purpose counseling recover coon rapids Mn

Have you or someone you know made "fun" the guiding motivation of life?  A fixation.  I have worked with many who have. Oh what a tireless, frustrating effort this is, but one that is hard to surrender. Because there are so many false and validating voices out there in the world around us. What's so bad about fun, right? Well, intrinsicly nothing. For the person who looks forward to their next "fun" time drawing on its hope to keep them focused now, essentially makes the fun they're looking forward to a demand. I MUST feel it and get it!

My thoughts on fun

Christian Life purpose counseling recovery coon rapids mn
It may not be a thought but more of a strong feeling, craving, or impulse.  Its motivating though, driving the person forward to whatever finish line in order to receive their reward (a compulsion). Problems arise in this scenario. First thing I think is, what if the person doesn't complete or achieve the task and doesn't feel as though they've earned the "fun"? Well, then they give themselves the fun out of defiance to their internal driver but feel strong guilt or pressure.  This creates a negative feedback loop from myself to myself. Very destructive.

My next thought is, what if the result in many scenarios is my faithfulness or my commitment or my loyalty? In other words, successful completion may elude me because my definition is under-developed or based on shallow values. Then what? Do I deserve "fun" then? Now I'm back to that negative feedback loop but I might also begin to become angry with people I believe are keeping me from feeling as though I have earned "fun". Fun is not as fun when I do not believe I have earned it, right?!

Another thought is, the attempt to hold on to "fun" as a goal or end result is an attempt to hold on to the carefree status  of childhood making it a fixation. Even further, an attachment to a developmental phase during childhood or early adolescence. A phase in which fun made life sweet and free and memorable. Right here is where your specific idea of fun is defined.  Are your sweetest memories laced with eating? Partying? Being alone? Being devious? Promiscuous? Working?  Fighting?  There will be specific characteristics and environments that will tend to be reoccurring themes of what you consider "fun".

The Maturing Process

Sometimes it may seem clinging to old behaviors is easier than adult growth, the maturing process, and learning and accepting being sober minded. The Bible speaks of putting off the old man (Eph 4:22).  Developmentally speaking, the Bible is right on here! Adults who want to stay in step with healthy development must put off this immature, childish belief that life must be fun. Then in fun's place put on maturity and sober mindedness tempered by Gods love.

Gods love is key to this growth. Without it we may grow rigid, serious, and staunchly pious. Gods love brings an appropriate simplicity, humility, and playfulness. His love gives us the ability to be real and authentic and mature at the same time. We must relinquish our belief in fun and its correlating demand to feel what fun provides.

Fun must be re-conceptualized.  Meaning, we must confront our rigid definitions of fun and become open and willing to experience every day adult activities as "fun".  Essentially redefining what is fun.

Finally, remember a life lived for myself ends up being a psychological tragedy. This is because it leaves me always wanting, never truly filled or content.  Our purpose is to please God, but how? The three loves!

• Love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. (God himself)
•Love your neighbor as yourself (those outside Gods family)
•Love one another ( those inside Gods family) (John 13:34, Mark 12: 29-31, NLT).

"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalms 16:11 NKJV

If you're ready to re-conceptualize fun and move toward the maturing process? I'm here to help. Learn more about my counseling services. 

Thursday, January 31, 2019

It's all about me!

Living for self is a psychological tragedy.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Detachment in Recovery Counseling

Many of the 12 step recovery programs and counseling teach detachment from situations and other peoples stuff as a means of letting go of control and surrendering outcomes.  This is a powerful tool in the recoverer's arsenal against insanity.  I am realizing though that, so far, in my experience the program has not taught how to identify and heal detachment from myself.  I am realizing how profoundly destructive this character trait (detachment from self) is and the profound role it plays in the process of thwarting healing.

Detachment in recovery counseling coon rapids mn

Detachement Questions

Detachment in Recovery Counseling Coon Rapids MNDo you struggle with not knowing how you feel or not knowing how to feel?  Do you struggle with identifying your emotions, your needs, or wants?  If you can identify can you communicate that to anyone? Do you often feel robotic in work, home life, or social interactions?  Do you have a tendency to fixate on someone or something and the majority of your attention goes there? Do you try to intellectually figure everything out but cannot seem to put that knowledge into useful practice?  How about going a bit deeper.  Do you ever experience the feeling that you are sort of watching yourself/what you are doing through your own eyes?  Do you ever experience the feelings or perceptions that others only exist in the environment you see them in, like they are 2D cardboard cut-outs without a sense of person hood?  Do you struggle with experiencing within, a lack of empathy for others or a hardness when confronted with suffering?  Do you tend to deny your internal state and instead present masks to people around you?  Do you tend to lose yourself in tasks and lose track of time?  Do you tend to be very judgmental of others and demanding about who they are?

Defining Detachment

These questions above allude to some common symptoms of detachment, depersonalization, and derealization. These three characteristics, in my opinion, exist in every humans life to some degree.  I say that because from my personal and professional experience we are all learning to become truly connected to ourselves; being able to feel empathy and a full range of emotion and human conditions while bringing this state to our higher power for strength and support.  Detachment becomes a problem when we detach from ourselves (the most vulnerable self, our truest self) to any degree.  Detachment is not surrender.  Surrendering parts of me or surrendering me to my higher power is healthy.  Detaching from parts of me that threaten fear or overwhelm is not healthy.

Detachment from self (my truest self) exists on a continuum, from low level detachment (daydreaming a few seconds, compartmentalizing) to high level depersonalization/derealization/dissociation (multiple personalities, memory loss, experience of life not feeling real, the continual experience of watching me through my own eyes).  With most of us existing somewhere in between the two extremes.  One way to know if you have a dangerous level of detachment is to look at the root motivation for what you do.  If you trace your choices backwards do you find "self" or "self-protection" at the root of your choices?  Do you find conscience, a higher power's will, the greater "good" at the root of your choices?  This may seem counter-intuitive but, if many of your choices are motivated by self-protection that may show a strong tendency to detach from your true humanity or your most truest sense of you and a feeding of your nature where self-protection reigns supreme. 

Changing Detachment

Where self-protection reigns, love and connection are blocked out.  They are walled out.  Change cannot happen very deeply because I am blind to me.  I cannot hear my own inner voice let alone hear the voice of my higher power speaking to me.  I have in a sense rejected myself or parts of me so deeply that I have silenced the voice that communicates to me the needs of that part of me.  It as if it no longer exists.  I have not seen it or felt or heard it in so long its no longer there or part of my awareness.  It would be quite literally like lopping off an arm or leg and letting go of all need or memory of it.  In some cases people reject their own gender, sexuality, body parts, body size, and begin to feel estranged from the very body they live in.  Dissociation can be quite destructive on the extreme end.

So, how about you?  Do you disconnect from yourself at any level?  Are there areas of you that are too dangerous to feel, look at, deal with?  Unless you are willing to take an honest look there your growth will stay blocked because higher power is not welcome there to lovingly take inventory and fill that with love.  Connect with your truest you and you will be more able to connect with your higher power and receive his healing.   

If you're experiencing detachment and ready to step into hope and healing, I'm here to help. Get started by scheduling a complimentary initial phone consultationThis initial consultation is not therapy, but an opportunity to get to know each other and decide whether my style and process are a good fit for your unique personality and situation.  


Friday, January 25, 2019

If I'm Honest

If I'm honest I'll admit that I cling tightly to the blessings that are and have been mine. If I'm honest I would admit that I believe at most times that I know many things, enough, and believe that I know myself for the most part. If I'm honest I will admit that what I have and who I believe that I am is what comforts me each day.

Honest faith Christian counseling services Coon Rapids MNBut when I stand in the presence of God long enough, broken enough, with enough longing for answers, tolerating the discomfort of my emotions and my circumstances without running or avoiding, I inevitably come face to face with a God who demands my full attention, my full surrender, my full embrace, my full loyalty, my full commitment to Him and Him alone.

When that inevitable moment comes and I receive the call to let go of my firm grasp on who I believe I am through my stuff, my knowledge, and my relationships that's when I connect with my soul sickness. My deep constitution within that is permeated with self. And I know, at that moment, being honest, I have no power over that level of freedom from self. Only God can do that deepest work in that place of me, My core.

If I'm honest.